The Free Spirit vs. the Overthinker: Internal Family Systems (IFS) at Work
How do you guide yourself through moments of intense internal conflict?
Here’s what it looked like for me this week…
Ram Dass is often quoted as saying that if you think you’re enlightened, you should go spend a week with your family. I’m realizing the same concept applies with creating contect on Substack, or probably any social media:
If you think you’ve got your sh** pretty well figured out, try writing from the heart and sharing it online!
I started writing online about one month ago and it’s been a very mixed experience, sometimes running the whole gamut in just one day. Excitement, elation, flow – followed quickly by self-doubt, self-judgment, and wondering why on earth I thought it was a good idea to throw myself back into the inevitable emotional roller coaster that social media so often is.
I am not yet enlightened enough to feel able to navigate this experience without some emotional attachment to being successful. So some parts of me got pretty riled up this past week.
These parts had a lot of feelings and opinions about the whole situation, and they weren’t being quiet about it. When parts of me speak up this way, I’ve learned it’s best to stop and listen. If I don’t, they will keep upping the ante until things get too intense to ignore. So I chose to tune in and be with it all. I got curious. (See last week’s article Is Curiosity a Superpower.) I practiced self-compassion as deeply as I possibly could. And I sat down with each part that was stirred up and said, “Hi there. I see you. Tell me what’s up. Tell me what you’re scared will happen if I don’t listen to you.”
First, I had to hunker down with the part of me that deals with uncertainty by going into hyper-productive mode. Overthinking everything, from the moment I wake up until I fall mercifully into sleep. The mega problem-solver, pouncing immediately on every single aspect of the situation, real or imagined, determined to figure it ALL out and fix it ASAP.
This part is sometimes able to hijack me so completely that days can go by where I have literally given nothing else more than a minute of thought. It is relentless in its drive to ruminate. And it believes it absolutely has to do everything perfectly.
But there’s another part that’s the polar opposite to that Frantic Overthinker: the Free Spirit in me, the part that wants ample time for stillness, contemplation, connection, fun.
This part says there’s SO much more to life than work. So much more than being productive and “successful.” She wants beauty and magic, mystery and joy. She’s an absolute non-conformist. She loves quirks and imperfections, surprises and totally unscheduled days.
She wants to forsake all the exhaustion and striving, and simply enjoy living.
And while these two parts could not be more at odds, they are both protecting the same third part of me: the exiled young child who felt abandoned and unloved too many times.
Because life led that little girl to believe she would always be alone unless she could prove she was worthy, the Frantic Overthinker part races around trying to ensure we’re always more than worthy. While the Free Spirit part wants us to forget all about these notions of worthy or unworthy, stop working so hard and being so serious, and come out and play.
My exile’s story is one that many of us have in common, isn’t it? Or with different stories, we still reached the same conclusion: that we have to earn our place, every day, even if we’re ignoring our own needs and longings.
It’s astounding how many of us are walking around with this core belief, and with these tragic feelings locked up somewhere deep inside of us. The exiled inner child, all the feelings too much to handle. And quite often, we’ll do just about anything to make sure we don’t have to face those feelings. Sometimes over-performing (like my Frantic Overthinker) or taking a vacation from “adulting” (like my Free Spirit) does the job for us. But sometimes it takes the big guns of avoidance – the addictions or eating disorders, or whatever behaviors help us keep those feelings locked up out of reach.
But wait! There is something else, separate from those three parts and all the parts that make up who I am. That other, crucial part is my Self.
My basic goodness. My Buddha nature. Whatever you call it, it’s in you, too. No matter what you got or didn’t get from your family and your world growing up, or what traumas you may have suffered, or what seemingly-unforgiveable acts you might regret. You have that basic goodness, too. The big-S Self that is our essential nature, though it’s sometimes hard to reach.
This is Internal Family Systems in action. If you’ve never heard of it or don’t know much about it… Welcome! Consider the brief description that follows here your initiation into the wonderful world of IFS. You won’t regret this invitation!
IFS is not just a model for therapy. In the 40-odd years that Dr. Richard Schwartz has been developing and teaching it around the world, it’s become a sort of spiritual practice for many people.
So try this on and see if it rings true:
We all have many aspects to who we are, different parts that can get stuck playing different roles and showing up in different situations to help us get through life. That’s why some days you may actually think, feel, and behave much differently than on other days. Or sometimes you feel almost like you’re possessed for a while, a fleeting moment or much, much longer.
Some of these parts act like Managers, working proactively to help prevent the things we deem undesirable. Others act like Firefighters, taking us over in reaction to things we have to face, from major tragedies to minor inconveniences. They are both forms of Protectors.
And that Inner Critic voice(s) so many of us know all too well? A devoted Protector, working hard to keep us from taking risks in ways that make us vulnerable to our most dreaded kinds of pain.
It's not a unique idea that we each contain multitudes (even Freud with his Id, Ego, Super-ego theory). But IFS offers a system of understanding this and working with it, which is beautifully poetic and highly accessible! Especially now that Dr. Schwartz has released the IFS workbook1, so that people can feel confident walking themselves through some of the steps even if they don’t have a therapist to guide them.
This week my internal conflicts were starting to really get in my way, so I didn’t want to ignore it and keep forging ahead. I knew I had to stop. Full stop. And tune in and listen. With self-compassion and curiosity, I took the time to feel what was going on and listen to what those different parts were worried about.
And when I did, everything changed.
I was NOT just observing the thoughts and feelings; I was interacting with them like a nurturing, loving parent, which was possible because I was connected to my Self (what’s called “Self Leadership” in IFS).
And after a while, the shift. That precious shift.
No earthquakes or fires, just a gentle release.
None of my parts felt alone anymore.
They could see how we’re all in this together. They could trust me, trust that I was committed to proceeding with intention along this adventure on Substack.
And then, hallelujah! I started to see the ways that I could take really good care of myself and keep my energy flowing - without the drive to either overthink everything or to say screw it all and just go play.
IFS is clearly having a moment right now. A big, big moment. But don’t think it’s a fad; it’s not going anywhere. It is spreading around the globe with lightning speed, fueled by an ever-increasing body of impressive research on how well it works to heal us of just about any type of emotional affliction (and sometimes even physical ailments).
Dr. Schwartz’ new workbook is intended to make the basics of IFS accessible to people even when they don’t have a therapist to guide them. Sounds True also has a collection of his meditations, called Greater than the Sum or our Parts.2
But please note that, although this offers a method of tending to yourself in a therapeutic way, it’s not to say that therapy is never necessary. Just as we still need medical providers sometimes, even though we also want to learn all we can about taking good care of our own bodies, the same goes for our mental and emotional wellness.
It is generally not advised to work with any exile parts on one’s own. But just doing the work of befriending your protectors, like those two I described above, can be incredibly powerful. Then if you start to encounter some of your exiles, find a good IFS therapist, of which there are MANY. (I’m telling you, the world is falling in love with IFS, and for good reason!)
How has this played out in your life?
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https://ifs-institute.com/internal-family-systems-workbook
https://www.soundstrue.com/products/greater-than-the-sum-of-our-parts?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=&utm_content=_&tw_source=google&tw_adid=&tw_campaign=15761298840&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpofI2uG8jAMV9SmtBh0FszTxEAAYASAAEgIor_D_BwE
If you want to find me on Substack, click this link.
