“Supposed To” be Sleeping: Mid-night reflections on insomnia and self-compassion

I started writing this at 3am, when I’d finally gotten out of bed after lying there for at least two hours, my body and mind refusing to relax and let me get back to sleep. Nights like these used to be my norm. And my nemesis.

So I write this for all the sleep-challenged souls who’d give anything for more R&R and more ZZZZ’s.

There’s hope, dear friends, but this isn’t a list of “10 Tools that Will Get You Sleeping Better Fast.”

I’m struck by how much the whole sleep thing has changed for me, in ways I never would have imagined. I might even call myself a good sleeper now! Cue the happy dance and fireworks! And it’s not been all because of the strategies and hacks, though some are certainly helpful and healthy.

I’m still me. Still highly sensitive, with bionic hearing and a monkey-mind that rarely quiets much. Still prone to experiencing stress acutely when there’s a lot going on. So I use earplugs sometimes, and I need the room dark and quiet, and I sometimes lean on herbs that help relax me. And I definitely have a lot of bedtime rituals. But these things WORK now. Back then, nothing worked. (Pharmaceuticals might have, but that’s not really my thing.)

During my 20s and 30s, I really believed I just “suck at sleeping”. And back then, I didn’t have the luxury of being able to craft my schedule for less burnout and more self-care. I was in grad school with several part-time jobs, then working a succession of demanding agency jobs, and then entered motherhood to boot.

The worst part during those endless nights when I used to lie in bed fighting to get to sleep was the frustration and anger that so quickly took me over. I was hating myself for being so screwed up that nothing worked.

It was the feeling that this is NOT how it’s supposed to be. That this is not how I’m supposed to be. There must be something seriously wrong with me because I can’t figure this out and fix it.

During those endless nights, I felt like I was the only human awake while everyone else snored happily away in a state of blissful oblivion – and that’s what really kept me stuck in the agony and feeling totally hopeless.

Because I hadn’t yet learned how to be my own bestie. Self-compassion wasn’t my default. Mindfulness was a lovely idea but not something I’d embodied. And my lifestyle was a truly awful match for what I really need in order to be well.

So I suffered. I resisted and fought and hated my reality, which turned the pain of a very common struggle into the worst kind of suffering - since I believe the worst suffering is the kind that comes with being at odds with yourself.

Ironically, what made it even worse was that I knew how important good sleep is to our health. The knowledge of how many bodily functions happen only while sleeping just made me dread the next day even more, because not only would I be feeling exhausted, but I envisioned my sleep-deprived body as a toxic disaster zone that was steadily falling apart.

So how on earth did I get to this place where I can actually sleep for around 7 hours almost every night?! And where’s the hope to be found when you’re in the grip of insomnia?

Well, if you know me at all by now, you probably guessed that I’d bring this back to self-compassion, right? You got it. And if you’d like some science to back up what I’m saying, there is a lot of research on mindfulness and self-compassion helping with sleep. I’ll list a few studies below.

Here’s what I’ve experienced…

First, learning to relate to myself and my circumstances with consistent compassion and mindfulness has meant that I’m no longer in the fear-driven fight-or-flight state all the time. Instead, the kind self-talk and ability to stay with what arises (inside and outside) actually activates the soothing system of the brain, the caregiving system that’s just as biologically hard-wired in us as the fight-or-flight state we’re more familiar with.

I feel emotionally safe within myself, and that means I can access hope. So…

Ø  I am much less anxious, less shame-driven, and less perfectionistic – all of which means:

Ø  less ruminating and over-thinking, less emotional reactivity, less self-judgment, less depression. And thus:

Ø  Less stress! I mean, life still gets really “stressful,” but I can usually meet things head on and say “It is what it is,” and not snowball every challenge into a catastrophe. Less stress equals:

Ø  A lot less cortisol and adrenaline coursing through my body, which are horrible if you’re trying to sleep.

Second – and I recognize that this is an incredible privilege/luxury – I inched my life towards something that is now a lot slower and quieter, and more authentic and creative than it was for a long time. I’m now pretty much in charge of my schedule, working on my own and thus able to do what I need to during the moments in between appointments and obligations.

If that’s not the case for you at this time, then what is in your control? Could it be helpful to cultivate your inner voice of compassion, to become your own ally and trusted friend, so that you can show up for life’s challenges feeling more empowered and confident?

Self-compassion really is our gateway to hope. Self-compassion means staying connected to ourselves during painful moments, which helps us believe in our own worth and our capacity to grow and change.

And a key piece of self-compassion is recognizing our common humanity. I love this piece, and I think it’s the one that I have to work the hardest at. I can see now that my pain during all those sleepless nights was compounded by feeling alone in the struggle, and the sense that there was something uniquely wrong with me –

The “supposed to” trap.

It can blind us when we’re too caught up in our own pain to remember the vast web of all the other living, breathing, struggling humans that are in it with me, facing all their own pain.  

But am I really “supposed to” be someone other than who I am? Am I “supposed to” have it all figured out? Is life “supposed to” be easier? Am I “supposed to” have total control over my body and my mind?

As I’ve learned to accept myself and relate to my flaws and imperfections with kindness, I’ve also come to see myself as part of the whole mass of humanity – or the whole MESS. Dr. Kristin Neff talks about learning to honor our humanity and relating to ourselves as a  “compassionate mess” instead of striving for perfection. The mess is an inevitable part of being alive.

This is oddly comforting and uplifting, and I find that “supposed to” doesn’t even enter my internal dialogue much anymore.

So this morning, after such a bizarrely sleepless night, I’m grateful for how OK I am with it all. Because I know how to really care for myself, mind and body, during such a night and also the day after.

I know I need to carry myself through today with a little more gentleness than usual, a little lighter on expectations of productivity where possible. I’ll go a little slower. I’ll try to create some space throughout the day to rest my eyes and my mind.

I’ll move my body with extra intention today. A long, slow walk and a couple yoga mini-breaks when the day allows.

I’ll be sure to stay hydrated.

I’ll avoid sugar, even though I know there will be extra cravings because of the sleep shortage. It’s empowering to be aware of this physiological reaction, the body’s natural attempt to score some extra energy through quick-hitting carbs. So I’ll avoid the hard stuff and choose fruit, maybe a treat of some good dark chocolate… And I’ll try to get some good, whole food at mealtimes.

And to close my day, I will do my best to unwind as early as possible and employ all my best tactics for slipping into slumber easily when it’s time, the strategies that help me and have helped many clients – but that often do not work without simultaneously building your self-compassion muscles!

If you’re interested, here are some of my favorite sleep-friendly acts of self-compassion…

To help my brain make the melatonin it needs to feel sleepy:

·       Putting screens away a couple hours before bed, and if I do need to look at any screens, making sure they have a good blue-light filter.

·       Dimming lights in the house a couple hours before bed, and lighting candles while I’m in the bathroom.

·       Avoiding all caffeine after noon. (Not crucial for everyone; it depends on the person’s body. Mine takes a very long time to process caffeine.)

To help my body and mind relax:

·       Doing the nightly routines that signal my mind we’re moving towards bedtime.

·       Bedtime yoga/stretching with nice, deep, slow breathing

·       A relaxing herbal tea with dinner (things like chamomile, catnip, lemon balm, skullcap, linden)

·       Eating dinner as early as possible

·       Avoiding any evening exposure to the day’s news or politics

So I wish you a good night’s sleep tonight. And the next time you find yourself lying awake when you’re “supposed to” be sleeping, try to remember that you’re not alone in this struggle, and you’re probably not alone in any of the struggles that may be filling you with anxiety or worry when you’re trying to sleep.

When we meet our pain with compassion, something deep inside begins to feel some trust – trust in ourselves, and trust in the flow of life. And in that trust, hope can take root. So whisper some kind words to yourself, think of some ways you can employ loving self-care, and open yourself up to the hope that you can create a future with many long nights of sound sleep ahead.

Here are four very interesting studies about self-compassion and mindfulness improving sleep:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32155708/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6171769/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30380915/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34544298/

For a great deal of helpful background, information, and strategies related to self-compassion, check out Dr. Kristen Neff’s website.